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Is it too much to say I’m tired?

I hate using the word tired, as much as I loathe the smell of hospitals. It has been used too often by alienated individuals who are sick of their work.

First, there’s the cancer, next up is the blur vision problem that has not been resolved, then coming in the picture without any warning are the kidney stones. The kidney stones… That phrase has a rather rock and roll ring to it, isn’t it? Think The Rolling Stones. Maybe The Rolling Kidney Stones sounds better.

But what’s the use of saying you’re tired? I mean, so what?

Weeks ago, when my dad was talking about how oily the birthday treat I’ve given him was, and wondering why suppliers don’t provide healthy food, I snapped. I said suppliers don’t or can’t sell healthy food because the world is overpopulated, and that they are only after money. I don’t want to keep listening to him talk about food. I don’t like to keep watching my diet. This is fear. I hate this feeling. We’re living in fear. I am sick of fear.

He shouted too that he hopes I’ll get kidney stones too so that I’ll understand, and that he doesn’t mean this as a curse.

I understand what he meant, of course. But still, I got out of the car and went home. When my dad was home too, I continued the shouting in the kitchen. Do you really think looking at what’s happening to you and mum is not affecting me? I don’t need more reminders of how I should act with regard to food.

He ignored me. I went to my bedroom and we didn’t talk for the rest of the day.

Imagine holding your mum’s hand before she was wheeled into the operation room. Imagine telling her things are fine, even though you think they are not. Imagine seeing her trip on uneven floors. Imagine her stepping on your dog’s tail. Imagine her carelessly knocking into people. Imagine accompanying your dad at the hospital thrice over the span of nine days. Imagine alternating between yelling at and pleading with the (useless) GP and his assistants to see your father first. Imagine apologizing to the other patients for jumping the queue. Imagine recalling how your own dad did the same for you a long time ago, when you had gastric and were trying to get an MC so that you can skip an exam. Imagine yourself at the driver’s seat in front of the emergency block of the hospital, while your dad sits at the pavement, clutching his stomach, waiting for you to get a parking space so that you can bring him in. Imagine you have no other sibling to turn to. Imagine how every second feels like a minute, and how every minute feels like an hour.

Of course, life is not all bad, and I think things are not that overwhelming. I think life is pointless however, and I don’t mean this in a depressing way. I think this is reality. If illness/death comes, it comes. There’s really not much you can do to stop that. What matters are the things you do or didn’t do before illness/death. It can be your own, or others. We all just try to make the situation bearable for everyone, suspending that feeling of emptiness and going about doing things we believe (or make ourselves believe) are important – even for a while.

I am tired. Is this too much to say?

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"Being happy? That's hard," I said, during the interview.
"I don't mean happy. I don't know what the hell that means," he replied.