Denial. It's an easy mode to live in. Like now, I'm thinking but only unrelated words come and then go, dissolving into incoherency and ambiguity. I'm missing people but I don't want to know who I'm missing, preferring to hide in a state somewhere between clarity and uncertainty, all the while getting by by believing it's the former and that it's all about control.
Try to be cautious, and you slip into moments of impulsiveness. Try to be nonchalant, and suddenly you miss the times where nothing matters except now.
Imagination and reality. Forgetting and remembering. Moving on and hanging on. Believing, and then sweeping it all away. Maybe life is always, somewhere in between - while you get on with behaviors that make up the everyday and try to escape from yourself.
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